DUTERTE’S a joke….59

“Michelle Dee’s 5’11” height, her beauty that has already graced magazine covers, and her demeanor should all come into play if ever she decides to pursue beauty titles in the future,” said her mother, Melanie Marquez, who was named Miss International in 1979.

Melanie adds philosophically, “Don’t judge my daughter, she’s not my brother…”


CAMP OLIVAS, Pampanga — A 62-year-old man facing 21 rape complaints in Bataan fell into the hands of authorities on Wednesday (March 15).

When arrested, he yielded 21 prescriptions for Sildenafil.


“I’m very proud of my lovely wife (Vilma Santos-Recto). Like me, she is independent-minded. We share the same convictions,” Ralph Recto said in a text message on Thursday.

“If she says 15%, I say 20%! We agree to disagree on Taripa sa SOP.” Ralph added.


Speaker Pantaleon Alvarez on Thursday dismissed as “stupid” the impeachment complaint filed against President Rodrigo Duterte at the House of Representatives. “We are all entitled to our own stupidity,” Alvarez said in a television interview.

Tito Sotto agreed with the Speaker, “tama si Speaker. Majority of the members of the House are IDIOTS.” Manny Pacquiao seconded, “at walang common sense.”


Detained Sen. Leila de Lima on Wednesday appealed for liberty before the Holy Week, hoping to make good on her vow to participate in the Good Friday procession in native Iriga City’s local parish.

Since there’ll be a vacancy, Sandra Cam wants to replace Leila at least temporarily complete with BJNP ID. “Sarap dun kape at aircon pa. Sarap umidlip dun” Gen Bato assured. “Pls Cam…”

“Palit-Ulo…” Leni complains.


Controversial homegrown tobacco firm Mighty Corporation has agreed to pay at least P3 billion as settlement for its excise tax liabilities, Justice Secretary Vitaliano Aguirre II said on Wednesday.

It was Aguirre who prepared the letter himself and for handing it to the President personally, a Bill for Access Fee of 10% of the Savings was sent to Mighty. DoF Sec Sonny Dominguez earlier told the President that for Tax evasion and stamp forgery, the goverment can slap 15x more than P3B. “Wala binatibat si Jack Lam kay Wongchuking” one Victor Uy was boasting on the prospective attorney’s fees.


Ellen Adarna said that she is flattered by Pierro Boselli’s compliment and joked that she would like him to give her a lesson or two on calculus. “OK na ako sa addition, subtraction, multiplication, at division. Doon na tayo sa calculus,” she quipped.

That’s after Baste taught her all about Biology.


“Hindi pa namin pinag-uusapan. But you know, Senator Cayetano is a very brilliant man. He would be needed by the Senate. Huwag niyong walain iyan. Dito pwede namang acting, acting eh,” Pres Duterte said, referring to the DFA post.

Asked who he has in mind as DFA Sec, Rody replied, “kelangan mahilig magbiahe-biahe, pakape-kape, paidlip-idlip sa VIP LOUNGE ng Terminal 1, 2, at 3 at may ID….”


Sandra Cam gave the airport employee a tongue-lashing peppered with curses (ala Rody) and name-dropped Special Assistant to the President Christopher “Bong” Go, claiming she was going to be appointed to a government post in three months’ time.

On the eve of confirmation hearing of DENR SEC GINA LOPEZ, mining heavyhitters are queueing at SCam’s doorstep in Masbate. “Kelangan daw may sample ka ng minimina mo na ipakikita kay Ma’m Cam, kaya inuuna mga gold mining company at mabusisi daw.” whispered a guy who looks like MVP.


Pope Francis has said he is open to married men becoming priests to combat the Roman Catholic Church’s shortage of clergy.

The Pope got this idea when Rody announced he’s coming up with his own sect, Iglesia ni Duterte.


“The problem in the southern Philippines is actually giving me personally a headache. Sometimes I can’t sleep at night thinking of how to solve the problem there,” DND Sec Delfin Lorenzana said.

“Kidnapping has not abated. When the president was inaugurated on June 30, there were only 18 hostages being held by the Abu Sayyaf. Now there are 31. So dumami pa. It is very embarrassing to the whole world.”

Sandra Cam was berating a lowly airport assistant fot not recognizing her at the VIP LOUNGE. “‘Diri mo ba alam na ako ang papalit kay Lorenzana as DND Secretary in 3 months? Ipakikidnap kita sa Abu Sayaff, puñeta ka!”


Brain activity appears to continue after people are dead, according to shock new study

President Rody confirmed this when he appointed Vit Aguirre at DOJ; Panty Alvarez as House Speaker; Donalo Suarez as Minority Leader; and Sal Panelo as Legal Counsel. “Napapakinabangan pa ni Presidente…” kibitzed Frank Drilon.


Lucio Tan, Lucio Co and Ramon Ang when they died were escorted up to HEAVEN after being quizzed in HELL because they were all armed with CLEARANCE from Rody being his major election fund contributors.

Satan is complaining because he heard that SOLGEN Calida died and the latter has with him a MEMO from Rody to ask for the transfer of Marcos if not in HEAVEN, at least in PURGATORY. “Super bagyo sa lakas kay Satan si Rody. Baka maiparelease din sina Idi Amin at Khadaffi” sambit ng isang Demoñetito.


Rody complained of abdominal pains and was rushed to Makati Med. Inflamed appendix was the diagnosis and the doctors ordered prompt operation.

At the OR, he was opened up where his innards were exposed. “Check mo nga puso nito kung OK pa” prodded the Chief Surgeon to his assistant. Minutes passed and the operation was winding up, the Chief asked, “o tagal naman. Anu ok pa ba?” The assistant replied, “Doc sinilip ko na pero wala puso patient na ‘to!”


Jack Lam, Alex Wongchuking and Henry Sy died and found themselves lining up at the gates of HELL. “Ano kasalanan mo?” asked Satan to Jack. “Tax evadel po ako, pelo ako bayad P50M kina Al Algosino at Mike Lobles, mga flatelnity blads ni Plesidente” sagot ni Jack.

Turning now to the Mighty owner Wongchuking, Satan asked him “anu naman atraso mo?” Wongchuking replied, “Tax evadel po ako, pelo ako naman bayad kay Lody Dutelte P3B.”

Facing Henry Sy, Satan asked him “o ikaw naman Tax Evader ka rin ba?” Henry Sy answered, “naku hini po Sil. Ako imbento Endo. Six months lang kontlata sibak na, pelo tuwa Lody Dutelte mga jowa nya Endo ng SM.” Satan scratches his pate, “lakas nyo pala kay Boss Rody. Ok, dun kayo sa Langit.”


“We are not saints here but we’re called to do what is right and just. Just to remind everyone, pinag-aral naman tayo para marunong mag respeto sa ating kapwa. Like I said even in the (Senate lounge that when you get interviewed in the media), you don’t attack your colleagues, or else… hindi naman tayo, hindi naman natin iniwanan ang bayag natin, dala dala natin ang bayag natin,” Senator Manny Pacquiao remarked.

Hearing the word ‘Bayag’ mentioned in the august chamber, Pingky Lacson and Kokai Pimentel cleared their throats and sat up straight.


President Duterte downplayed reports that Alexander Wongchuking, owner of cigarette maker Mighty Corp, had tried to bribe him. He said that when he was the Davao City mayor, he was gifted with cash, which he ordered returned.

Just like his brods at Lex Taliones, he didn’t order Wongchuking arrest immediately. “Nagnilaynilay muna. At bakit ngaun lang nya ibinunyag ngaung Presidente na sya? Mukhang may pinaghuhugutan ang mga brods ni Rody.” ika ni LP (Leila the Prisoner). “It runs in the sorority.” dagdag pa nya.


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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