DUTERTE’S a joke…57

Matobato, Lascañas and Rody died and they found themselves queueing at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asked Matobato first. “Ilan pinatay mo?” Matobato replied, “17 po, pero utos po un ni Rody.” “Ok. Sa Purgatory ka,” St. Peter said. Turning to Lascañas, “Ilan naman ang pinatay mo?” Lascañas answered, “23 po. Pero sumunod lang po ako sa utos ni Rody.” “Dun ka sa Purgatory,” St. Peter ruled. Facing Rody at this time, “Ikaw naman, ilan ang pinatay mo?” Rody responded, “8400 daw po kasama ung sa Davao sabi ng CNN.” St. Peter, without looking, allowed him in. St. Luke, aghast, asked “Bakit mo pinapasok eh ang daming pinatay?” St. Peter replied, “sabi daw ng CNN, eh FAKE news un….”


Justice Secretary Vitaliano Aguirre II on Thursday revealed that high profile inmates who testified against Senator Leila De Lima were offered P100-million to recant their testimonies against the lawmaker.

Gina Lopez says P50M was offered per Comm Appointments member to reject her as DENR Sec. Aguirre proclaims Jack Lam offered him P100M per month as retainer. Al Argosino confesses Wally Sombero gave him P50M to free detained Chinese in Clark. Mart Andanar reveals US$1000 was given to Senate reporters to cover Lascañas press con.

“Kung ayaw nyo ng pera, bigay nyo sa amin” Tulfo brothers chorused.


“Concerned with the mental and psychological state of Senator Leila de Lima, it is for her best interest that she engages the services of a competent medical professional to assist her in these trying times,” Sal Panelo said.

“Alam n’yo pala may sayad, bakit inihahabla n’yo?” Mar Roxas asked. “‘Di ba self defense yun kung parehong sira-ulo nagmumurahan?” PNoy replied. “Buti ‘di ka isinama, Boss?” added Butch Abad.


Novaliches Bishop Emeritus Teodoro Bacani on Wednesday called the revelation of retired SPO3 Arturo Lascañas, confessed leader of Davao Death Squad (DDS), a “spiritual awakening.”

Ted is wrong, Salvador Panelo quipped.


Swedes should take a one-hour paid break from work to go home and have sex with their partners, a local councilor suggested in a proposal aimed at improving people’s personal relationships.

Ogie Diaz urges Mocha to ask the President to certify an equivalent bill to Congress as Urgent. “Puro kayo Death Penalty. Magugustuhan ito ng Presidente nyo. ‘Di ba Gob Chavit?” Ogie pleads.


President Duterte treated retired police officer Arturo Lascañas “like a brother,” according to Matobato the first hit man to link the Philippine leader to extrajudicial killings in Davao City.

He treats his brods from Lex Taliones as bag men.


Foreign affairs Secretary Perfecto Yasay Jr. admitted on Wednesday that the country’s territorial disputes with China may not be resolved anytime soon or even during “our lifetime.”

The President is asking for another lifetime to finish off his war on drugs. His GFs are complaining naturally as another set of them is being vetted.


“Isa pa itong SHOWBIZ REPORTER (Ogie Diaz) sabi niya bakit daw SEXY lang ang issue ko sa TV. FYI Mr. SHOWBIZ REPORTER hindi lang po sexy ang issue ko nagkataon lang kabisado ko ang SEXY SCENES sa mga pelikula at programa dahil dati akong sexy artist,” Mocha said.

Please tell us the SEX LIFE of your Boss, Ms. Mocha….!


The journalists on the night shift say Fridays are like that. A predictable rhythm has developed to the killings in this dense metropolis of nearly 13 million. Weekdays are busier, often producing a dozen bodies before morning. One reporter told me the record was 27 one night. Weekends are more tranquil, which is when those who cover this beat attend wakes and funerals of victims, or follow up with witnesses and other sources.

A bizarre population control, if you ask me.


MANILA, Philippines — Former Senator Rene Saguisag said on Tuesday night that he regretted the decision of San Beda Law School not to expel then law student Rodrigo Duterte following a shooting incident with a classmate.

His pal, Jojo Binay, stole billions from Makati coffers but he didn’t express regret when Binay was appointed OIC of Makati. This goes to show that a thief is much interesting than a murderer: a thief can pick ur tab anytime.


The President’s spokesperson Ernesto Abella said the P277 million covered seven foreign trips of Mr. Duterte, some of these including more than one country. The costs, averaging P40 million per trip, covered airfare, charter fare and “others.”

“Others” covers the cost of FENTANYL. And the dry cleaning cost of Vit Aguirre’s hair piece. “Masangsang amoy ‘pag ‘di nalabhan,” ika ni Mart Andanar. And of course the outlandish wardrobe of Salvador Panelo who can not be denied.


‘NO LOGIC.’ Pahayag ng chief presidential legal counsel ukol sa pag-uutos umano ni Pangulong Rodrigo Duterte na pumatay, “How can a president who is a lawyer do that? He is a lawyer.”

JV Ejercito and Tito Sotto questioned the presence of Arno Sanidad and Alex Padilla, “WHY ARE YOU REPRESENTING ARTURO LASCANAS?” boomed the two senators. An aide of Ping approached the couple and whispered, “Sir, mga abogado po yan…”


Dapat mag-HUNGER STRIKE na si LEILA. Malay n’yo, once she lost weight, ma-inlove ulit sa kanya si Rody.


The peso breached the 50:$1 level last Friday for the first time since Nov. 16, 2006’s close of 50.12:$1.

When Jack Lam comes around, his Ninong will ask his payola in US$ instead of Pesos. “Bakit ang Ninong dito ang binibigyan ng pakimkim, sa halip na ung Inaanak?” asks Wally.


“Isa ako sa instrument sa pagkamatay ng dalawa kong kapatid, si Cecilio at Fernando. Tanggap ko po kung ano man mangyari sa akin dahil sa sobra kong loyalty sa kanyang campaign,” SPO3 Lascanas told reporters.


For murdering his two siblings, this cop is going to be charged with PERJURY. “Galing talaga ni Justice Secretary Aguirre,” Salvador Panelo said.


MANILA, Philippines – President Rodrigo Duterte’s chief legal counsel said on Wednesday, February 15, that the move of the Office of the Solicitor General (OSG) to recommend the acquittal of Janet Lim Napoles in a serious illegal detention case is consistent with the administration’s bid to uphold the rule of law.

The OSG’s source is none other than Mocha who claims that the signatories to the alleged beneficiaries of DAP and PDAF of Bong Jinggoy JPE and the 200 congressmen are her 4.5M blog followers. “Baka gusto nila magsalita na ung 16M pang sumuporta kay Pres. Rody. O anu?” she insists.


MANILA, Philippines – Solicitor General Jose Calida denied the government is striking a deal with alleged pork barrel scam mastermind Janet Lim Napoles, after recommending to the court her acquittal over the serious illegal detention case filed by Benhur Luy.

The OSG is set to file an unprecedented Writ of Habeas Corpus to either St Peter or Satan to produce the body of Renato Corona preparatory to reversing his Impeachment by the Senate. “Na set up lang si CJ. Innocent ung mama,” Calida insists. He was rebuffed however by Rody saying, “improper venue pare. Non-existent ung forum.”


Estate tax reform breezing through Congress-NEWS

The heads of Dynasties in Congress smell death finally and they want to protect what they plundered in billions estate tax-free ever protective of their heirs. Plus the freebie of a bailable plunder suit. “Marcos is having a Zumba in his Libingan grave.” Rene Saguisag muses.


“One of the major causes bakit ‘yung pulis napunta sa corruption, kung bakit ‘yung pulis naghanap ng extra income through illegal means, ‘yan ay dahil sa MGA asawa,” General BATO Dela Rosa said.

“Mas matindi humingi ang boyfriend ng pulis….”


In an Instagram photo with their staff, as reported by Bandera, Gretchen Barreto said in her caption, “Yesterday, my Tony Cojuangco [and] I celebrated 23 years together. It has been what my Dada calls (one hell of a ride) through its ups [and] downs but it sure is well worth it. For many who witnessed our relationship from the beginning, most predicted that we won’t last more than [two] month[s]”.

Mommy Di chimed in and boasted that she and her DI BF have celebrated their ten years of togetherness. Ditto with Vicky and Hayden. Bong Navarro and Denise Cornejo. Tsokoleit and his IPhone BF. VICE Ganda and his Romeo. Mura and JimBoy. Wally and Yosh. Chito and Neri. Leila and Ronnie. Leni and Bolet. Rody and Bong.


 

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